My Parents are stressing me out.....Help!

Zyph · Post by **Zyph** » Sat Jul 14, 2001 11:22 am

Well, my parents stress me out and just don’t make any sense in general....is it just me?

My reasoning:
My Mom takes a job to earn extra money to help pay bills. Ok, makes sense. But she ends up spending money on things that are not related to bills and when my Dad mentions bills, she yells at him saying “this is my fscking money that I’m earning and I can do what I feel like with it!”

Then on the other hand, there is my Dad who tells me all about these conversations with my Mom and then he tells me his problems (like he’s expecting me to relay the message), but doesn’t want me to tell my Mom. (Like him telling me about the situation with my Mom makes him feel like he needs to get an extra job, but can’t since I have a younger brother that still needs to be watched and can’t spend anymore money on babysitting either.)

And I can’t watch my brother because not only do I have work and am trying to find another job, but I also want to have a life.

The wierdest thing is that money wouldn't be as much of a problem if my mom would help pay bills instead of just spending most of her paycheck whenever she feels like it. (Or making it worse by getting more credit cards in HER name and charging on those.....adding to the bills.)

I also get stressed out because they end up asking to borrow money from me and not paying it back, but run the guilt trip when they ask so I can't say no. (And it's not like the money they are borrowing is really extra for me either.) Sometimes even borrowing a Credit Card of mine under the assumption that they will pay it off, but then I get calls from the banks saying the bills haven't been paid and it's affecting my credit. Then me having to end up sacrifice some of my money I wanted to go to some of my bills to pay off something they charged.....still not paying me back. When I try to mention it to them, they say that they will pay me back, but it still hasn't happened.

Anyone else have parents like this? What can I do?

Stacy · Post by **Stacy** » Sat Jul 14, 2001 11:38 am

Zyph, sounds to me like your parents are looking to you to be their parents in this situation. I believe I mentioned to you my own financial troubles??? Anyway, hate to say it, (cuz I know it's hard) but you HAVE to start saying no to money loans, explain that unless you see a change in how they are handling the money they make, you cannot be a no interest, never pay me back, credit card for them. They got themselves into this, they have to get out of it. I feel really bad for the position they have put you in, but sooner or later you 'will' have to take care of them...you are at the age now where you are trying to build your own life, to set out on your own.....they can't expect you to go from a teenager to a parent overnite. (Sorry if I'm sounding harsh, but knowing my own mother's troubles and those around me, I'm just very thankful that no one has come to me for a loan....I know it would be hard to say no, even with my own troubles).....I feel for ya.....but really believe you should put your foot down.

If you had said that they 'are' paying the bills, and there is no 'foolish' spending/money management, my answer would be different.....good luck.

news · Post by **news** » Sat Jul 14, 2001 11:45 am

Zyph, just curious but do you pay your parents any rent? If not, maybe you should since you do live in their home and eat thier food. Then when they come to you , you can just say

orry, I already paid my rent for the month

"

Zyph · Post by **Zyph** » Sat Jul 14, 2001 11:59 am

Freebird: I did used to pay rent, but when I got moved to part time, they stopped making me pay it. But I end up helping out with groceries every once in a while and that doesn't help me either.

Stacy: I am trying to get them to realize I can't lend them anymore money or spend more money for them, but that still leaves the sitution of the money already out there that needs paid. (Plus MY bills I had when I was full time)

sethpa · Post by **sethpa** » Sat Jul 14, 2001 12:23 pm

Zyph, time for a man to man talk here. One, your dad has no right to bring problems to you that are between him and your mom. You need to tell him this. Tell him it's dead wrong to do this to you. They are playing you like a tennis ball in Wimbledon. Like Stacy said, basically who's the "grownups" here? You have to put your foot down and say no more. Figure out a fair price for staying there, stick to it, and that's the extent of how the money get's handled. They won't much like it, but even grownups, have to grow up eventually. In the end, it will do ALL of you a lot more good. And if not, then you gotta find a way out for yourself and let them wallow in their own problems. All you do is bring yourself down with them. Love for family has nothing to do with this. Or guilt. If you love someone, the best thing you can do is help them get stronger, by being strong yourself. Constantly giving in, and repeating the endless cycle only causes a higher and higher stress level amongst all concerned. WE all have problems to deal with, some do better than others I guess. Make a plan, and then put it on the table to them both. And don't let them lay a huge guilt trip on you. That's not "love" of a child at all. That's using you in the worst way. Good luck dude.

if I said too much, forgive me, I sometimes have a big mouth.
sethpa

Stacy · Post by **Stacy** » Sat Jul 14, 2001 1:04 pm

hear hear, sethpa.....beautifully said!!

Ladies Man · Post by **Ladies Man** » Sat Jul 14, 2001 8:35 pm

you sir are a good man

if this was me here would be my reaction......*with both of them in the room at the same time*

MOM! what the hell are you doing? YOU said YOU were going to help out with this job but YOU aren't. What the hell is your problem? Start paying the damn bills or QUIT spending money.
DAD! I don't give a rats ass. YOU married her YOU straighten it out. Not my problem.

Also don't EVER EVER EVER think of asking ME for money again. I've been more than fair in this situation helping everyone out. I'll even pay rent or what not at a SET rate. I'm working and paying MY BILLS why don't you get your head out of your butt and start taking RESPONSIBILITY and PAY YOUR BILLS.

Then i'd yell i'm outta here and go away for about a week. I'd stay at friends houses or even sleep in my car. I'd come back as if nothing happened. If that didn't shine light in there eyes i'd be out for good asap.

but thats just me

smb · Post by **smb** » Sat Jul 14, 2001 9:19 pm

best thing to do, is have a sit down with them and ask the "what the hell is up ?" it's direct, and seems a bit rash, and disrespectful, but sometimes adults need that, even from their own children.

blade_146 · Post by **blade_146** » Sat Jul 14, 2001 10:53 pm

So is your mom working a second job or has she been a housewife and is having to get a job? I can understand where she is coming from. Either way she feels that by buying stuff rewards her for having to work or work extra. Its easier to get the instant gratification of buying yourself something than it is to slowly pay off a credit card. Its apparent that your folks are having some financial troubles but i dont think yelling at her/him is gonna solve anything. You do need to sit BOTH of them down and express your concerns. By all means stop giving them your credit card! You may have to help them byu giving them money or by keeping your brother. But let them know you are concerned about how things are going. They need to get a hold on things NOW. I'm not trying to sound like a shrink but i speak from experience. My wife and I went through some financial troubles a few years ago and I did the same thing as your mom. I worked lots of overtime and would "reward" myself by buying computer stuff all the time. I thought that would make up for all the time I had to spend at work. I did pay some things off but could have paid alot more off if i had not been lying to myself. Things are alot better now but now when i work OT i pay the bills first and keep a little out me, my wife and my daughter. Nothing like a good steak and quality time with my family to reward myself now. Tell them how you feel and put requirements on how you'll help them money wise. Make your mother give you her CC's and you put them up. CC's are evil if you cant control your spending. You may have to be their financial advisor. YOu may have to act like the parent to them. But who else is gonna help them? Good luck

Zyph · Post by **Zyph** » Sat Jul 14, 2001 11:18 pm

Well, as a side note from what blade was saying, nope, it's NOT a second job for her. She is a LPN (with most of the knowledge of an RN) and she had been taking nurse jobs off and on forever, but now she is staying with it to try to get the idea of paying bills or letting us take a vacation. So much for either of those. I totally understand wanting to get yourself something every once in a while.....I do it too, a CD here or a DVD there, but not wanting to spend the whole paycheck on whatever she feels like (WHENever she feels like)....that's just wrong. I wish the option was to just let me watch my brother and take one concern off them, but I can't do it. I have plenty of things to worry about, esp trying to get myself a second PT job since the first one isn't paying the bills as I need. (since I acculiminated them as being FT). I have found out (as if my dad hasn't mentioned it enough times to me....GRRR) that some bills are being paid late....almost like they have to pick a couple that WON'T get paid now and will have to put up with them being late, but I don't want to let them do that to MY stuff and they just seem to be forgetting about them. Biggest problem is that right now, my Mom took a travelling LPN job several states away to try and earn more money (she is gone for 3 months, will return in September sometime). She wanted to take it since she thought they would give her overtime and if they did she would be getting mad money for being there overtime, but they don't want to let her go over 38 hours a week, so it's messing up her plans (as if hoping for overtime was a plan). You know, I don't know how to deal with them sometimes. Not only are their poor choices affecting me, but the rest of the family too.(the younger brother that I mentioned before, and a mid-teens brother who is rarely here since he is always hanging with his girlfriend). Then on top of it, whenever my Mom feels that I am being disrespectful or whatnot, she pulls out the "We don't have to let you stay here" card, which makes it even worse. Not only is she pulling a guilt trip on one angle, but then pulling rank at another. I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I don't want to confront them because I don't want them to try and force me to leave, but I also can't deal with the bills anymore. And on top of all that, I don't know how much longer I may be able to keep the job I have, the company I work for said that there would be layoffs, but not only not giving a specific date (could be tomorrow or could be October for all I know), but not saying who they are letting go. So if I wanted to leave work and go to a full time job, I would have to wait until they lay me off or I'm screwed on several counts again (no severance, no "forgiveness" for the stuff I got through the company, etc).

I know this sounds screwed up, but sometimes I feel like crying when I have to think about all this because I feel like I am being screwed from all sides here. (ok....ignore the crying part.)

blade_146 · Post by **blade_146** » Sat Jul 14, 2001 11:49 pm

Well then again its much easier to lay the guilt on you than it is to look in the mirror and blame herself for making bad decisions. I really feel for ya dude. Money problems make it hard on everyone in the family. I never knew what my folks used to go through until i had a family of my own. Its hard when you have all that to get up to every morning, knowing that bills are late, others are still on their way to mailbox. Gas is high as hell. Clothes are even higher. THere has to be food on the table.Yard needs mowing. CLothes need washing. And then you still have to try and make time for yourself. I feel for you and your parents. I 've been in both pairs of shoes. Dont let your moms threats to kick you out get to you. She's having a very hard time dealing with this and lashing out at you is the only way she knows to vent the steam if you will. YOu have to talk to her and let her know how you feel. Let her know that you understand that she has a lot to deal with. Be compassionate. I know its hard to do. YOu have to keep your head on and be civil. Maybe once she takes a second to step back and see's that her words are hurting you and isnt helping her situatiion at all, maybe then she will undestand your side. THis isn't the time to withdraw and block out the problem. ITs gonna take all of you pulling together as a family to make it. Everyone will have to make sacrifices to get through. It sucks but thats part of it. Heres an idea, maybe you could call one of those credit counseling centers and talk to them. I dont know how your folks would react to that, but if nothing else it would show them that you are man enough and concerned enough to try and help them. IF they think that no one at home gives a damn it just makes things worse. They need to know that you care about your family. And the only way to let them know is to talk. YOu would be amazed at what a good cry will do for your sanity. Take some quiet time and get your thoughts together. MAke them make time for you! You may just be the catalyst that they need to get things rolling.

Kazer · Post by **Kazer** » Sun Jul 15, 2001 2:36 am

Zyph, you MUST sit down and have a talk with both your parents at the same time. i believe this is the most effective way of talking to them. tell them how you feel and what you think should be done. if everyone works hard and trys to solve the problem together you guys can do it and pull through as a family

i remember when my family were having money problems back when i was around 14 or 15. at first we just lost our phone line because we couldn't pay the bills and my mom and dads credit went downhill.

then our only car was stolen never to be seen again and had to buy a crappy car for cheap to get around. then we lost our house and my dad stopped working at jobs. we moved to a gettho part of town.

....now i'm 18, we have 2 houses (one is in florida and the gettho one), 4 cars, 3 businesses that my dad started (he stopped working at jobs because he wanted to be the boss). we are looking for a new bigger house to live in jersey. i don't mind living in the small house i do now but it's up to my parents, they want more space.

i have 3 computers in the house, i wear a chain, ring, earings, and bracelet made of platinum. and i will be getting a mazda rx-7 soon and hook it up. my parents helped me pay for the comps and bought me the jewelry. i get paid 60 - 80 a day if i actually do work. i work whenever i need money, i do construction work. i don't work all the time because my back has been aching lately, i'm a small short guy at 5'6.

my dad said he'll buy me the rx-7 that i want. since i was greatful i chose the cheapest one (1993) at $9,000 and also since my dad is paying in cash full the price goes down even lower. i thought it was a lot better than going for the $14,000 1994 version or the $24,000 1995 version. i will be working to pay for the new parts i want and installation payments