My mom is getting ready to pass

[Executioner]

She is 93, and has been in and out of a nursing home the last month. My middle brother is currently living with her in east San Diego and taking care of her along with hospices. According to my brother, she is only awake about 15 minutes a day, and asleep the reaming time. Does not eat or drink much, and is in a special bed with bars on the side so she would fall out of the bed. Thankfully, the neighbor next door is helping my brother move her. She is obese at 250lbs which makes it difficult for my brother to move her my himself.

I saw my mom in May of this year when I was down in San Diego. I was also down in San Diego again just 2 weeks ago, but she was not there and in a nursing home which I could not visit due to the wu-flu. It's actually pretty amazing that she is on ZERO medications! I could not believe this when my brother told me. My mom did not want to die in a nursing home, and is happy to be back in her house. She actually said a joke when they took her back to the nursing home: "don't let them take me back to the dumpster".

I saw my wife's mother pass away about 10 years ago, but she was in pain and was on morphine. At one point, she did not even recognize me anymore, and only her 3 sisters and my father-in-law she would recognize. My father-in-law has been living with us since 2015. He's currently 89 years old and mind is sharp as a tack. He even rides his bike for 20 minutes around the neighborhood. He has changed his diet since his organs are not what they were 40 years ago. Eats a lot of Yogurt, fruit, and nuts. Has his own room in our house. Does all his own laundry, cooking, and cleaning. I'm hoping when he passes, it's in his sleep.

[FlyingPenguin]

Sorry to hear, but at 93 take solace that she's had a good run.

I have had several people I care about pass away, and some of them were not pretty endings. My bookkeeper, and sister I never had, passed at 62 of liver failure a year and a half ago, but it was surprisingly and mercifully quick. Diagnosed with liver failure in the ER, even though she felt okay (blood work showed a major issue and doctor told her to go to the ER), died 3 days later in hospice.

Watched my two inlaws pass in unpleasant ways: her Dad sharp as a tack until the day he died, but body failing him for a decade (died of congestive heart failure). He spent the last 9 years of his life bed ridden. My mother inlaw suffered from late stages Alzheimer's for 15 years, eventually losing any ability to care for herself and requiring a full time nursing staff, until she just stopped breathing one day.

On my side, my mom died 3 years ago of Alzheimer's. Last 7 years she was someone I didn't recognize, and she didn't always know everyone else. Mercifully a week and a half before she passed, she just "switch off". Nobody home. Stopped eating and we had her in home hospice for the end.

My Dad is 99, still has all his faculties, in very good health for his age (no heart problems, no lung problems, no diabetes). Still can walk, can legally drive but doesn't except to drive around the block every couple of weeks to charge the car battery, and does household chores. But spends a lot of time sleeping now, and sometimes gets very melancholy about being "the last man standing". In a family of very long lived people (all my aunts and uncles were well into their 90s when they passed), he feels sometimes he's lived too long. He lives with us in the guest suite and I fully expect to find he has passed quietly in his sleep one morning, which is all I can hope for as I've seen far uglier ways to die.

There is no dignity in growing old, I now understand. What dignity there is comes from how YOU deal with growing old. No matter what, it's coming for you, sooner or later.

[Losbot]

Sorry to hear that, Exec. I can't begin to imagine what you're going through.

[Executioner]

I'm doing okay, but it's my brother I worry about the most. All he's been doing the last 5 years is taking care of my mom. I also forgot to mention that she also has Alzheimer's which has gotten worse the last year. My younger brother and I agreed that when mom passes, the house will be his. I have no intention of taking any funds and neither my younger brother.

[Err]

Sorry to hear that. I hope you're doing okay.

[FlyingPenguin]

Make sure your brother has some time for himself. Mom's Alzheimer's took it's toll on my Dad and myself. My mom became very needy towards the end and didn't want to be alone. Eventually, to keep us from burning out, I hired some caregivers to help out. It's not cheap, but if you feel she's near the end (and from the fact that she's not eating, I'd say she is), it may just make the final week or two easier. Just having someone at her side all the time made it easier with my mom.

[Executioner]

He has been given time for himself when my mom was in the nursing home. He took some time to do some hiking and going to the beach. For him the worst part is trying to get her up to eat and drink, and also moving her in the bed.

[darcy]

Oh, Exec,, I'm so very sorry to hear this,, my heart goes out to you.

We had to place my mom (91 now), in Memory Care last year,, it was no longer safe for her to be alone and roaming around 6 acres. ( I live a 2-1\2 hour drive from her; Dad died instantaneously from a fall in 2016.)

She was doing ok, still driving, etc., when Covid came to town; but the isolation sped up the slight forgetfulness she was having, to dementia. I traveled up and down to her, staying weeks at a time; taking care of her was overwhelming for !e, since I am myself disabled.

She's in a good place ( hubby drives me once a week to see her ( 4.5-hr roundtrip ), which is exhausting. Then diving up to the house several times a month to clear out, as sale is imminent.

She's in good health generally, being with others is a plus, and the regular staff are wonderful.
She participates in most activities but needs some cajoling.

I'm on top of everything,, which is still a full time job administratively, and emotionally.
I don't hesitate to deal with the Executive Director of the place when I spot safety issues ( like her rollator being across the room instead of within her reach,, as she's had several falls because of that.).

During the transition, my husband was diagnosed with cancer.
Next month follow ups are coming to see how he is doing.

My brother has been battling cancer for 4 years; started as prostate,, has since moved into his bones.

Myself, I'm on a steady six-month followup of ultrasounds and mammograms since a breast biopsy last year.

Mom is all I have left,, we have always been super close.
I dread the day she will no longer remember me, God willing that won't come too soon.
I hate this disease.

I will add you to my prayers.

[reno]

prayers for you and the family . some years ago some may remember when we had to spend time in Arizona . we had to take about 6 months Hospice care for my step dad . me and my sister split the time we both were living in the Detroit area at the time .its never easy at all. we had like 1 hour of help come in per day . it was tuff but you do what you need to for family . I had to let my company take a back seat to help him in his last days .don't remember for sure but think are daughter was going to college at the time . it was a tuff time every 1 to 2 weeks having to fly. back and forth to las vegas then rent a car to drive to Lake Havasu.AZ . at the same time draining are bank account with just the wife's income coming in .
when we when out there the house was not in the best of shape - the built in pool in the back yard had a rubber liner. that hadn't had water in it for like 15 years .that was when my mom had been alive. me and my step dad wasn't close we talk maybe once a month or less and we always be the one calling he was 91 years old. we had to do roof repairs . the inside of the house hadn't got a fresh coat of paint in 28 years when it was built. the yard was in bad shape with weeds . the heat out there made me hire a guy to do the work to clean it up . it was crazy what we walked into .

[Executioner]

My brother has a good neighbor to help him that lives next door. Thanks for all the prayers, mainly for my brother who is watching her. It's a bummer as I was just down there 2 weeks ago when all this started. Driving down to San Diego from here in Woodland is about an 8 hour car drive, and now at 67 years old, my body hates it when I drive a long distance.