Little Johnny

NascarFool · Post by **NascarFool** » Sat Jul 14, 2001 11:01 pm

Little Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen. She says, "Put that away, Little Johnny. You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go outside and play."
Little Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with."

Trying to placate him, she says, "OK. I'll play with you. What do you want to play?"

"I wanna play 'Mommie and Daddy,'" Little Johnny whines in reply.

Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?"

Little Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down as if you're taking a nap."

Figuring that she can easily control the situation, Mom goes upstairs.

Little Johnny, acting a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He puts on his fathers old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs, he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.

His mother raises her head and asks, "What do I do now?"

In a gruff manner, Little Johnny says, "Get your ass downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!"

plucky duck · Post by **plucky duck** » Sun Jul 15, 2001 3:28 pm

lol! Johnny ain't so little now is he, hehe

CaterpillarAssassin · Mon Jul 16, 2001 12:01 am

Stacy · Post by **Stacy** » Mon Jul 23, 2001 7:47 am

Thought we could make this a Little Johnny thread.....

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and go into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly about what he saw: "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane layed down on the seat, then Daddy..."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story. Suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story, so Johnny starts his story, describing the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, "and then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word "fascinate." Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated." The teacher said, "good, but I wanted the word "fascinate."

Litte Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate" so she called on him. Johnny said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her t!ts are so big she can only "fasten 8."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it.

He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink said that since Christmas was coming up that he should ask Johnny what he wanted Santa to bring him. If he cussed he should leave a pile of dog sh!t in place of the gift.

Two days before Christmas Johnny's dad asked Johnny what he wanted. Johnny said, "I want a damn teddy-bear laying right f*ckin here beside me when I wake-up Christmas morning. Then when I go downstairs want to see a motherf*ckin' train going around the damn tree, and when I go outside I want to see a red-a§§ed f*ckin' bike leaning up against the damn garage!"

Christmas morning Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a big pile of dog sh!t. Confused, he walked downstairs and saw a bunch of dog sh!t around the Christmas tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog sh!t by the garage. When he walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "So Johnny, what did Santa bring you this year?" Johnny replied, "I think I got a damn dog but I can't find the son of a b!tch."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day only to catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding on a condom.

Johnny's father, in attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it, bent over as if to look under the bed.

Little Johnny asked curiously "What ya doin dad?" His father qiuckly replied, "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed, to which Little Johnny replied "So what ya gonna do, f*ck him?"

NascarFool · Post by **NascarFool** » Mon Jul 23, 2001 12:32 pm

LMAO, the last one is the best one.

Viperoni · Post by **Viperoni** » Mon Jul 23, 2001 2:58 pm

Oh God, that last one was awesome

Stacy · Post by **Stacy** » Mon Jul 23, 2001 2:58 pm

these are a little older, but still two of my fave's

One day Johnny was downstairs playing with his train set, when his mother happened to be standing by the door listening to him play. This is what she heard...

"All right, all of you son of a b!tches who want to get on the train, get on train. And all of you son of a b!tches who want to get off the train, get off the train. And all of you son of a b!tches who want to change seats, change seats now 'cause the train's getting ready to leave. Whoo whooooo."

Johnny's mom rushed downstairs, snatched him by the arm and said....

"Young man, I want you to go upstairs and take your nap, and when you get up, you can't play with your train set for two hours."

So Johnny, mumbling to himself, went upstairs and took his nap. When he woke up, he didn't even mention his train set for two hours. After the two hours were up, he asked his mom if he could play with his train set again. She said yes, and asked him if he understood why he was punished. He nodded his head yes, and off he went. The mother stood by door to listen to what her son would say. The boy sat down to his train set and calmly said.....

"Whoo whoooooo. All of you ladies and gentlemen who want to get on the train, get on the train. All of you ladies and gentlemen who want to get off the train, get off the train. And all you son of a b!tches who are pissed 'cause the train is two hours late, go talk to the b!tch in the kitchen.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

The next day, Johnny's mother had noticed that she hadn't heard a peep out of Johnny for a couple hours, and got a little worried.

As she started to search the house for Johnny, she passed by the kitchen window and heard their cat meow in pain. She looked out the window and saw Johnny, sitting on the porch steps, eating candy, biting the cat and sliding down a step.

Baffled and a little concerned for the cat, Johnny's mom ran outside, noticing he had moved down a couple more steps and hearing the cat meow again, she asked Johnny just what it was he thought he was doing.....Johnny answered, "I'm playing truck driver".

Still puzzled as to what relationship eating candy and biting their cat had with truck driving, she came right out and asked him, "Why are you biting the cat?"

Without missing a beat, Johnny explained.....I'm on the road, popping pills, eating pussy and moving on.

Oooops, here's another one........

On yet another day, Johnny's mother had gotten so fed up with his profanity that she sent him outside to play.

"Johnny, why don't you go across the street," she says, "and watch the builders work. Maybe you will learn something."

So Johnny, obeying his mother, goes across the street, and is gone for a quite some time, when his mother calls him in for lunch.

As he sits down to eat, his mother asks him, "So, Johnny, did you learn anything while watching the builders?"

Johnny replied, "Well, first you put the goddamn door up. Then the son of a b!tch doesn't fit, so you have to take the c0cksucker back down. Then you have to shave a c*nt hair off each side and put the mother fu¢ker back up."

Horrified, his mother says, "Just wait till your father gets home!"

So, when Johnny's dad comes home, she's tell him to ask Johnny what he learned across the street. Johnny repeats the whole story for his dad, and when he was done, his dad said, "Johnny, you go outside and get a switch."

Johnny replied, "Fu¢k you, that's the electrician's job!!"

plucky duck · Post by **plucky duck** » Wed Jul 25, 2001 3:08 am

"bad Johnny now *spank spank* bad bad Johnny!! *whip whip!!* Now me gonna teach you a mutha fukin lesson you little sons-of-a-biatch to never goddam use that fickin language in my pos house again, you little piece of sh!t.....now you hear me you little twerp? *bham!* *bham!* *double wham!* " - dad of Johnny

ROFLMAO :lol